Q. Should I have a
baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning
sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts,
rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there
anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often
strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody
that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month
pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband
knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain
I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the
delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown
but the entire throne is trying to make its way
out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while
recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to
rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats
boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my
wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.